It's Only 'Sometimes'...

Ever felt like you are gasping for air even when there is so much around? Ever felt like searching for yourself, even when you are alone? Ever felt like being messed up even when everything is fine?

Sometimes life places you at junctures you had once upon a time wished that you could achieve but the strange part is reaching there and being numb.

Sometimes the people who you crossed paths, held hands and moved together become strangers on this juncture. Sometimes you want to cry out loud but you end up giving your broadest smile.

Sometimes you are aware of how life is about growing old, yet you secretly want to rewind time to relive the once upon a time lost moments.

Sometimes you look at the mirror and see physical changes but mentally you are still stuck with elements from the past.

Sometimes it’s not about lost love but the love lost. Sometimes it’s not about wishing to be with the person but wishing to have ignored them.

Sometimes it’s not about feeling right all the time, it’s about feeling wrong for a very long time.

Sometimes it’s the urge to leave your surroundings, jump into the ocean and try to breathe, ironically

Sometimes it’s about driving on long roads and burying yourself in a sunset and a skyline

Sometimes it’s about letting go off people around you so that you don’t take them into the dungeon with you

Sometimes it’s about going for a movie and jumping into a happy scene as you please.

Sometimes it’s about pausing a moment and only moving to the next once you have fully lived it.

Sometimes it’s about rethinking and only wishing to set things right

Sometimes it’s about earning money only to give it away to the filthy cheap sapiens who will never look back

Sometimes it’s about getting an appreciation call or message so that you have no doubts about yourself.

Sometimes it’s the thought of being accepted when maybe you are just a transit in someone’s life

Sometimes it’s about switching to a fiction life when factual seems unreal.

Sometimes it’s about constantly trying to keep people happy when you are in a fix yourself.

She gazed at herself in the mirror. With dark circles under the eyes and a frown on her face, she had an outburst of tears after an encounter with herself.

She restlessly swayed her hand on the mirror trying to erase what she saw but alas the inexplicable change was very evident.

Such multiplicity in one individual, she was a strong headed woman with a heart of gold, bubbly nature and a friend you would long for. She was now battling to find her lost self.

Sometimes it’s about stepping out of a dream and slowly accepting reality because this is what it is and irrespective of how you want to mould your life, you can only transform the future. The past is a mirage and it will keep fading every time you try going back to it.

Ever felt like you are gasping for air even when there is so much around? Start breathing because sometimes it's too late, you don't give up, you only move on! 

The Dream Girl...Maybe?

It was the first day of the week and as usual the mundane routine began with my alarm clock ringing and the snooze button paid no heed to my sleep. So alas, I had to transition from my night suit to formals. 

It had been 4 years but I never budged from stopping at Tim Hortins every morning before work. With the wearisome work drill, the role of coffee in my life had become like beauty without brains, the strongest blend still couldnt kill the fatigue. But this Sunday, tables were about to turn.

Parallel parking was always a torture and my luck seemed to have gone for a holiday, for quite sometime, so there I was struggling half asleep trying to get this right. After the back and forth in my Mustang, it was time to grab the same old coffee, sit on the corner table, check my emails and head to work. 

"One Espresso, double shot and a plain croissant please"

The lady at the counter always had a straight face when she saw me, only because she had once asked me how the coffee was and instead of complimenting, I told her she should have one to figure it out. Somehow my art of bluntness drove quite a few people away. 

"Here's your coffee and croissant", she welt the tray on the counter. 

I walked with the tray towards my usual spot BUT there was a girl in a black dress and sneakers sitting with her hair left open and her back facing towards me. I was disappointed because it was my table! No, I hadn't purchased it but I felt an ownership towards it. 

So I decided to use my bluntness and drive the girl away so that I could have the 20 mins of "me" time peacefully. 

Excuse me, I'm sorry but this is my spot and I would appreciate if you could shift to the next table, I said. 

She looked up and there was a tanned skin, brown eyes, cute lips gal staring right into me with a very obvious confused look. 

Yes it seemed like a scene from a telenovela. 

I didn't know your name was Tim Horton and this was your table, she said with utmost sarcasm. 

I was aghast but at the same time relieved to see someone as blunt as me. Ironical right?!

For some odd reason, her reply melted me and I decided to up my game by using my "Apology" card 

"I'm sorry, I've just been used to sitting here for 4 years and this table gives me a sense of companionship during my early morning coffee'o'clock", I said, hoping to buy some empathy.

"It's fine, I understand, I'm sure you wouldn't mind some company today? Would you?"

she asked. She definitely wasnt imploring and the confidence swept me off my feet so I sat right beside her and decided to explore as much as I could. What was surprising was my instant text message to my boss- 'I'm calling in sick, apologies'. And all this without knowing her day plan! 

She sat there for 10 minutes and there was absolutely no conversation and yet I took a fancy to her.

My phone rang and I stepped aside to answer it, only to come back to an empty chair. I wandered around like a Prince looking for his princess but she was gone. There was a sense of void and a bit too early I guess! 

With my concentration buds gone for a toss, I felt glad taking an off from work. 

I drove around the hustle bustle of Dubai with no sense of direction and before I knew, I was in the middle of a desert. My car dwelled into the sand dunes and I had to halt. It's not a pleasant ambience to be stuck alone in a desert and believe or not but my manliness went for a toss as I went into a panic mode. 

"Do you need any help", she said. 

"Are you a Ghost", I asked her. You can't blame me for the lame question because it was game of co-incidence to have met her in the middle of the desert, but then again I still couldn't figure out  how I ended up there

She laughed hysterically. I went into my telenovela mode again by constantly glaring at her as her laugh sounded like Christmas carols to me. 

"Do you believe in destiny", she asked me and before I could answer she said, "I do, although it seems unreal but if we coincidentally keep meeting for the next 7 days, you'll have me in your life permanently", she said

I didn't realise but I was grinning. A million dollar grin. 

We walked together and reached Chandini Chowk. She clutched my hand in the chaotic narrow streets and I suddenly felt protective about her. All of this didnt stop my wagging tongue from cracking the stupidest of jokes, using derogatory words in every sentence, bragging about my life story, sharing my thoughts etc etc. and all she did was listen, laugh, give a hi5, use the Delhi slang and NOT JUDGE ME! 

I was so engrossed in the way she ate aloo tikki and not worrying about how it smeared on her face. 

This seemed unreal! I unlocked my biggest fear, the fear of being judged, the fear of not marrying, the fear of not being able to be myself, the fear of losing someone. In a span of 1 day and 3 destinations all of this vanished. My heart was blossoming , love and affection prevailed. I was  flying and  I was holding her hand and flying above the streets. We flew so high with hearts all around and TRIIINNGGGGGGG...TRINGGGGGGGGG... It's 8AM...TRINNGGGG TRINNGGG... it's 8AM. 

I woke up just to realise that I was dreaming! 

But today felt different. After so many years I woke up with a smile. I sincerely wished she was sleeping like a baby beside me but even the empty side of the bed lured hopes. 

Reality struck finally so I woke up, adhered my formals,  drove to Tim Hortons, Paralled parked, took my coffee, but this time I smiled at the Barista and complimented the coffee she made, walked towards my usual spot and OMG, there she was, the girl in a black dress and sneakers, her hair tied in a bun and  her back facing me. 

A Yes from an Ex...

Amber suppressed her emotions and numbness was her new found companion. Standing on the terrace, she sipped on the half left bottle of Vodka and stared at the madness of the relatives, friends and family members who were gushing into last minute preparations a night before her wedding.

Amidst all the chaos stood her parents with a subtle smile of satisfaction on their face. And why not, their elder daughter was stepping into a new phase of her life and it was an achievement as parents after all the lovable yet chaotic parenthood.

Those relatives who always thought of marriage as the ultimate goal of life to be achieved at the right age would definitely have been satisfied or Amber hoped they were.

The vendors robotically were laboring at decorating the house for the D-day looking forward to the night off , getting paid and buzzing off. No emotions attached, just another project.

While everyone was engaged in their own sweet tasks to complete, Amber couldn't help but dwell into the past that she had supposedly left behind.

A gallery lock on the phone was what she unlocked and there it was, a bag full of memories with the person she had surrendered herself to. 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 , 2016 ... Each image had a story behind it. That night she decided to relive those stories mentally.

Her B'day, His B'day, Valentine's Day, Road trips, Concerts, New Years, Diwali, Eid, Christmas and many more events that contributed to all those years of togetherness.

Loving him was not an option, it came from deep within. People fell out of love while she dug deeper into the emotion of love with him. There was no falling out of it but with every passing second it just got bigger and better.

Girls in the contemporary world like being independent and as much as she was, she always had another side that would love to dependent on him because of his ability to keep her calm and composed.

She loved how he took immense efforts to draw a smile on her face with the smallest of gestures which made her blush every time.

If it was someone who redefined love, it was him. After a failed pattern of 2 unlucky relationships she wasn't ready for another one until he walked into her life, grabbed her hand and comfortably made her fall in love with love again.

The feeling couldn't be put into words, it just had to be felt from within.

"Beep" a whatsapp msg interrupted her thought process.

"Congratulations! Hope you have a Happy Married Life ahead!", he messaged her.

How does it feel to get a msg from an EX who was once a pivotal part of your life?

The situation was ironic...she was blank, stared at the photo gallery and noticed a picture of him and her amongst the mountains mesmerizing the moment.

Those moments were far beyond beautiful. A girl always wants a perfect man and as much as perfection is a myth, he was very close to being one.

But then again life is such, when everything seems so perfect, a hassle is bound to interrupt. Unfortunately in their story it was a series of hassles. The never ending saga just deteriorated all the emotions that kept them strong.

And then one fine day he left. There was no looking back and all that was became once upon a time story.

Here she was getting married to another being without any feelings attached and only for the "society" and "parents" who were the only homosapiens  happy with the decision.

A life ahead with probably 40 odd years of compromise and emotional detachment but need to be dealt with for reasons unknown. That's how the Indian society functioned. Sadly, everyone accepts their fate and end up losing their identity and transforming into a new one, one that even they don't recognize. And all this for the society that always has essays to speak about whether your happy or unhappy.

That night the only thing that stayed were the tears that helped her ease the pain of sacrificing something that was so close to her heart even then.

A dilemma engulfed her pertaining to the future.

She messaged him back " Give it another chance, Can we?

A message from him changed the night- "Yes" he said!

Sometimes it just takes one word to give you the strength to put your foot down and finally pave a path for living on your terms.

While everyone was busy doing what they were, she packed her bag and left.. After all what is life without risks and what is life without happiness.

She had a choice to choose between 40 years of a happy life or 40 years of a compromising one. She chose the former and paved way to a new phase but this time with a sense of atonement.

Cheers

Amber

Permanent is so Temporary...

There is an irony in the title stated. Permanent apparently is always permanent. What if permanent is just a deception. A phrase that is conceived to inculcate hopes in individuals. The world lives on hopes and whatsoever good that occurs in our lives we wish to live it for a longer period of time. Permanent maybe?

If the happiness in our lives prolongs for a little less than indefinite phases we call it permanent. Nothing is permanent. Unfortunately its a delusion. An unacceptable reality that many fail to endure. What is permanent? We as humans do not hold a permanent place in this world then how can anything else?

I believe in temporary. If we accept the ardent reality that all that is in life is temporary we are finally living our lives then. A realistic approach rather than a story line. 

Emotions. En number of emotions engulf us giving a daily dose of highs and lows. Some that we deserve, some that we don't. 

Temporary living is an art that not everybody can ace because human tendency calls for a lot more than a temporary way of living.

We want permanent happiness, permanent satisfaction, permanent peacefulness, permanent love, permanent people. The question is how many of us actually are or have lived with these permanent elements in our life.

Permanent happiness is inevitable. In this contemporary world there is immense negativity and betrayal that even if you try to live happy, your surroundings deteriorate the feeling. 

Permanent people is also a myth. People enter and exit with every passing phase. Some leave willingly and some unwillingly (mortality much!). 

In fact with every passing phase and age our personalities change and so do our characteristics. What is permanent then?

Permanent love is a parable. While your in love you think its permanent. The moment you fall out of it, it becomes temporary.

So again I question what exactly is permanent?

When your living life is temporary then how can anything be permanent?

#midnighthoughts 

~ Amber~

Mind The Gap...

 

Mostly all of us master the art of glorifying the Past and dragging it into the present.” Good old days”, “When I was young”, we did this”, we did that” are the terms we normally use especially when in conversation with the generation before us. We feel we are above them not only in age factor but have also experienced life a little more than them. A very good and rich past.

       All of us feel our past was eloquent, peaceful, had rich culture and whatever rules and traditions laid down by our ancestors were the finest. I feel we are pushing ourselves into the past instead of striding into the future. Many of the self-proclaimed gurus consider themselves the preserver of the past traditions and culture. If we happen to go against the rules laid by them we are not sanskari according to them.

       Old is Gold. If we restrict our youth to stick to the line we have drawn for them then in a way we are declining them to let spread their wings and explore the unknown world.

 

        When we sit with our older generation we hear them talk about their past nostalgically. I wonder if they would want to go back to the days of typhoid, plague, sati, infant deaths, famine, caste wars and insanitary conditions. I am sure they would not want to relive all these miseries. In fact I feel they are happier living in the luxury of air conditioners, heart bypass surgery, safe and fast air travel, and a hundred other good things that the modern world is offering them. The past has its own place and charm. We can delve into the past and find solutions for many challenges from the words of wise and experienced people who can inspire and lead us but at the same time we should be able to differentiate between the good and the bad, between the useless and the useful. We should harvest the golden things and words from the past.

 However there are still certain ideologies of the Generation before us that perplex me. Religion. What is Religion?

As per the little knowledge that I have acquired of the various Religions that exist, all of them definitely have a verse that mentions love and care to other homo sapiens. Ironically this doesn’t seem the case in the contemporary world. For instance the 1947 Historical India- Pakistan Partition lingers on the minds of a majority of Indians and Pakistanis who have either witnessed the episode or have heard tales from their ancestors. The bitterness still remains intact and unfortunately is being passed on to generations and generations. Let bygones be bygones. The generation I belong to does not encourage hatred based on factors like Religion and Nationality but unfortunately no matter how hard we try to suppress the hatred that our adults have, it’s a task to accomplish. And if at all you fall in love with someone from a different Religion and Nationality, you’ve called for trouble. The terms and conditions are in surplus if you want to fall in love.

Falling in love with a good human is just not enough even if it means marrying a person from the same religion and nationality in spite of the many flaws that he/she possesses. As a person how do you deal with the situation you are placed in when you know marrying somebody who you don’t connect with can put your life in a soup. Compromising and sacrificing are two options which when adopted can lead to a life that will make your family happy but leave you shattered. I contemplate on how everyone specially parents after living glorious years of content life, now expose harsh hypocritical decisions on their children. They are meant to support and not distance their offspring making them live a life of sheer unhappiness.

If there was any way we could explain to the adults the importance of having a good human being in life not based on factors like Religion and Nationality then that would be the ultimate goal achieved and then our Generation could let bygones be bygones in real terms.

 

 

Marriage- Vows or Woes??



As soon as you step into your mid 20's the Facebook updates, Instagram pictures and practically all of the social media is sort of hymning about the newly weds and how marvelous they feel about it. Here I am sitting, liking and commenting on their achievements.

The destination weddings, the celebrity appearances at the wedding, the fine looking attires of the bride and groom, the endless selfies,  the splendid honeymoon trips to places unimagined. Wow that is a perfect picture of a perfect wedding.

What next?

I happened to have conversations with a few who now repent marriage! For whom words like compromise and sacrifice are a next to impossible situation.

Suddenly life is all about complaints, misunderstandings, thoughts of divorcing and moving on! For a person like me who has yet to step into the "I'm married zone", all this makes me skeptical instead.

The drama that goes in a wedding abruptly dies down in just a few months time wherein the couple realize how misfit they are for each other.

The confusion lies in arrange marriage or love? Love marriage works well, some said! Few of the love marriages I know are already down the drain. So Arrange Marriage it is? Well, they didn't work out either. Some did due to the burden of a child that they decided to bear quoting it as " bahu jaldi hogya" and they didn't even realize it. Are you trying to tell me it was an Adam & Eve phase again in their life!!!

Innumerable questions about marriage and the whopping confusion makes me wonder "Karu ya nai"?!

Is Marriage all about compromises ?or  More like I'm getting married because I want the freedom I cant get while I'm home with parents ( specially for girls). For guys it would probably be a test of commitment which eventually fails! What is marriage? Is it about how extraordinarily you can plan your wedding and execute it?

An event management company takes care of the slightest of details. An enormous amount is spent for the "Big Day". Is that it?

How about digging deeper... statistically an overwhelming number of divorces are up on the charts worldwide

Working married women, insecure husbands, infinite clashes.

Not that I've shut doors to the positive side of marriage but realistically how long are you happy after marriage?

A 2 year old dating relation goes through behavioral changes and the couple tends to be at odds WITHOUT  being MARRIED. So how can a marriage of a lifetime last happily and by happily I mean Real Happy !!

Who's at fault? The woman? The man? Both? The Marriage?

Is it so strenuous to live a happy married life?

So many questions and I could go on and on and on and they still seem unanswered.

"Sigh"





 

Quarter Life Crisis

What's it like being 25? An age where you are confused trying to figure out whether you are still entitled to live your early 20's life or the age when you have to grow up all of a sudden and 'Getting Married' is the utmost priority. The irony is that it isn't a priority for you but the rest around you. More like they have a lot to benefit out of your marriage.

 What's it like being 25? An age where life suddenly turns into adult conversations and you are sitting there and pondering over how school and college life were much easier, where exams and finishing school homework was the only difficulty.

What's it like being 25? An age where everyone around you seems to be getting married and having babies while you are still sipping on Bournvita every morning and chilling with the 'unmarried' friends (few of them left alas!)


 Learnt a lot in the past years, gained a lot out of it, moved through different phases in life, solved the puzzles of growing up but at 25 life needs to pause, it's now I feel that life is moving too fast and I cant keep pace with it!